Jokes

Subject: Jokes Sun Jan 12, 2014 1:00 am

Prison

Brian hit rock bottom. He was going to jail for insider trading and it couldn’t get much worse than that.
As the jail warden brought Brian to his cell, Brian’s worst fears were materialized. Sitting hunched over on a bed was his soon to be roommate. He was a hunk of a man wearing a sleeveless undershirt, with vicious looking tattoos on each arm.
As Brian approached the prison cell the giant looked up at him and said in a deep booming voice, “hey man, what did you do to get yourself in here?”
“White collar crime” responded Brian nervously.
“Hey man, how about that? Me too,” the giant said.
“Phew,” said Brian feeling his body relaxing, “To be honest I got a bit nervous when I saw you.”
“Nah” responded the giant waving his hand “what’s there to be nervous about?”
“So tell me,” questioned the giant “How many priest’s did you kill?”

Subject: Re: Jokes Sun Jan 12, 2014 1:04 am

Gambling Joke

John Sam and Abe, 3 retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker. It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.
John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing. She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.
One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened. Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot. Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.
When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards. As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.
“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?” “Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.
Abe knocked on John’s door. “John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened. “He’s afraid to come home.”
John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed. “TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!”
“Ok,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”

Subject: Re: Jokes Sun Jan 12, 2014 1:07 am

Landlord Joke\
“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob.

“Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.”

“So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated.

“Oh it’s really terrible”, said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.”

“How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book.

“Well,” said the man breaking down once more “they are my tenants.”

Subject: Re: Jokes Sun Jan 12, 2014 1:10 am

Forgot to Remember

Two men met on the city street in the evening, and had a number of drinks together. The one who lived in the suburbs became confidential, and exhibited a string tied around a finger.
“I don’t dare to go home,” he explained. “There’s something my wife told me to do, without fail, and to make sure I wouldn’t forget, she tied that string around my finger. But for the life of me I can’t remember what the thing was I am to do. And I don’t dare to go home!”
A few days later the two men met again, this time in the afternoon.
“Well,” the one asked, “did you finally remember what that string was to remind you of?”
The other showed great gloom in his expression, as he replied:
“I didn’t go home until the next night, just because I was scared, and then my wife told me what the string was for all right–she certainly did!” There was a note of pain in his voice. “The string was to remind me to be sure to come home early.”